How Kelsey Hoff Thrives in her Expat Life

Kelsey Hoff is a mental health therapist originally from Canada and currently located in Amman, Jordan. She works with Jordanians and expats both in person and online through her business Kelsey Hoff Counseling.

Kelsey’s insightful and down-to-earth advice for how to thrive is grounded in tons of research and life experience. She boldly confronted her self-expectations of what a “good” expat should do and shares how she keeps a healthy mindset despite the stressors of expat life. We interviewed Kelsey to learn a little bit about how she thrives.

What attracted you to life overseas?

Ever since I was a little girl I have been extremely interested in other cultures. While in my undergrad, I lived in the international dorm and was really involved with international student programs, which was highly influential to me in that time. I started to notice a growing demographic of women from Saudi Arabia on campus and this sparked my curiosity. I ended up becoming good friends with many of them, which grew into a desire to learn Arabic, which then led me to Palestine for a study abroad, then to Jordan to study Arabic after I graduated. The more I studied and had real life experiences, the more I felt that inner drive to learn more and go deeper.

After I got married and my husband and I were living in Canada, we were able to be part of welcoming many Syrian families to our little city and, since we had rudimentary knowledge of Arabic and some experience in the culture, we were asked many times to “translate” (but not really) or give little cultural talks to Canadians wanting to reach out. Coming from a low populated, lesser diverse area of Canada, it became so apparent to us that our experiences overseas were really useful to Canadians and the newcomers in our country. This led us to save a bunch of money, sell everything, and then come to Jordan 2 1⁄2 years ago to study more Arabic and get a better understanding of Arabic culture, with the hopes of returning to Canada and being bridge-builders in our own community. We only had enough money for the first 8 months in Jordan, so we weren’t sure what the plan was beyond that; however, we were both able to find jobs and we have been here since then!

When and how did you start thriving?

A: I think that I started to thrive when I let go of my strict views of what a ‘good’ expat does and, instead, was honest with myself about what I needed day to day in order to live a sustainable life, rather than an impressive life. I had to learn some hard lessons while here, such as coming to terms with the fact that I struggle with anxiety and depression from time to time, that my energy is really limited and that I need a lot of time at home to re-energise (extreme introvert + enneagram 5 right here!), and that I can’t stay up late or consume as much caffeine and sugar as Arabs do. Early on, I had this expectation of myself to leave who I was and become whoever I needed to be to satisfy this image I had created of what it means to live overseas.

Once I realised that I was going to crash and burn if I were to continue to pursue this (and this required an unplanned mental health/self-care trip back to Canada), I suddenly started to find myself the closest to thriving as I have ever been overseas. I came to realise that I could be honest with my local friends about needing to go home by a certain time, limiting caffeine intake, or needing more time at home. It turns out that - within relationship - you can be honest, own your own limitations and preferences, and still have friends! Interestingly, several of my local friends have commented that they have started to take better care of themselves due to me modelling this within our friendships. Amazing!

I also started to look for quality over quantity in all areas of my life. Instead of taking the maximum number of Arabic hours that I could handle, I intentionally cut down to an amount that still allowed me energy to want to visit my neighbours on my way home. Sure, I am not going to meet my lofty goal for hours before going back to Canada, but maybe that was unhealthy to have in the first place. I started to identify the local friends who I really felt a bond with and commit to just a few close relationships, instead of trying to be everyone’s friend, but exhaust myself in the process and always feel like I couldn’t measure up to their expectations.

Can you name some hidden stressors that you experienced early on that you weren’t aware of at the time?

Living overseas has been stressful on our marriage, especially in the first year or so of living here. There were so many systems that we had negotiated while living in Canada that no longer worked in this context. Although we feel that we have succeeded in this area while being here in Jordan, it sure has taken a lot of intentionality, time, and commitment to live overseas and have a healthy marriage.

Being in full time language was surprisingly stressful! I put a lot of pressure on myself early on to be the best student, the best neighbour, the best wife, and the best foreigner . .. but then realised that I couldn’t be all of those things and needed to be okay with just doing what I could from day to day, or season to season. Sometimes ‘doing what I can’ means choosing not to study, being okay that I just felt too tired to visit my neighbour and speak more Arabic, or spending the evening in bed with tea and a movie.

What’s one struggle of cross-cultural life that has taken the most time to overcome?

I’m not sure if I have ‘overcome’ this, but for me I think the biggest struggle has been to navigate my sense of myself as a female within a context that has quite strict gender roles and assumptions about what is honourable and dishonourable, especially for women. I am extremely independent and I have done many things in my life that would not be deemed ‘appropriate’ for women to do by many in this society. It has been challenging to navigate how I can carry myself in a way that maintains ‘me’, yet still sets me up for good interactions with those around me and the ability to make authentic friends. It’s been a process with a lot of ups and downs!

How have your relationships with locals affected you?

My friendships with locals have been extremely influential during my time here and has made living here worth it; however, this doesn’t mean that it is always easy or straight forward. In the beginning I tried to maintain many friendships with locals and felt a lot of pressure to follow up with people. There were times where I would be at a friend’s house, meet a cousin, exchange phone numbers and then I would go home feeling really overwhelmed because I didn’t know how I could possibly fit yet another friendship into my life. However, I learned later on that a more sustainable option for me was to drop the pressure to ‘be everything to everyone’ and just chose a few people who I really clicked with and commit to those relationships and everything that is expected from the culture. There are certain cultural ways around friendships that, from my western perspective, heap guilt and pressure on my head when I cannot do everything; however, I have had to resist this feeling and put at the forefront what I need in order to take care of myself.

What has expat life taught you that you’ll take with you the rest of your life?

I love the flexibility in all ways that life overseas develops. Flexibility towards others and the vast diversity in how people live, what gives meaning to others’ lives, and how cultures function. Flexibility towards my circumstances: I have way more ‘figure it out’ skills than I used to.

Expat life has also blown the notion of ‘normal’ out of the water - what does ‘normal’ even mean? I believe that I can learn something from anyone, no matter who they are and how close or far their life experiences seem from mine. I have stopped trying to categorise everyone.

What’s your best advice for life under quarantine?

Be kind to yourself, don’t take life/yourself too seriously, and try to find something that gives your days purpose, but isn’t full of pressure to perform.

How can we keep a healthy mindset as expats?

Put curiosity at the forefront; this will help you keep a healthier mindset, as it will guard you against assumptions that lead to judgmentalism, which leads to barriers between you and those around you. It will also force you to ask good questions and be a good listener.

Know and accept that you have limits - we all do! These limits will be different from your housemate, spouse, your language partner, or the expats who lives down the street. Part of your mandate as a human is to take care of yourself and you can’t take care of yourself if you deny that you are a mere mortal. You don’t need to impress anyone or prove anything; you are fine just being you!

Anything else you’d like to share?

Many of us arrive to the expat life with fantasies about what it is like to live overseas and crazy high expectations of ourselves to not be ‘that type of expat’ (for me this meant things like always living in a full immersion context, only going to an Arabic speaking church, visiting my neighbours every single day, studying several hours a day, acting in all the right ways, never needing a vacation, being exceptional at everything, etc., etc.). It is okay to change your mind on what you are okay with or not okay with when it comes to living overseas. I had all of these rigid perspectives when I first arrived about what success looked like; when I look back, I realise now that my definition of ‘success’ was highly dependent on me somehow pretending that I have zero needs, do not come from somewhere (aka, Canada), and have unlimited capacity. However, I now look back and see how those were really unfair to myself and judgmental towards those around me. This has been a humbling experience, but I am thankful for the opportunity to learn to have more grace towards myself and be much more accepting of my own humanity.