4 Steps to Reclaim Resiliency
When expats move abroad, they have so many goals. Traveling to new places, adventures in new cultures, experiencing life through a new perspective, learning a new language. Career goals are high too...whether it’s humanitarian work, starting a business or chasing that perfect position, people don’t often move abroad for small reasons. No, most expats are typically energized by the challenge of adapting to a new context while striving for ambitious goals.
Expats expect difficulty, at least at the onset. Multiple transitions and living in a foreign culture and navigating a different language is bound to be tiring. It may be exhilarating for a while, but for so many people, the exhilaration soon turns into exhaustion.
In part 1 and part 2 of this series, I shared a little bit of my personal struggle to recognize and leave behind an endurance mindset and embrace one of resiliency. Today I want to offer a simple 4 step plan that you can adopt today to make a step toward living a life that consistently recharges you.
Steps to Reclaim Resiliency
These steps are simple, but not easy. Taking care of yourself doesn’t require rocket science, but for some reason most people still have trouble actually doing it. So before you start, find a buddy. Commit with that buddy to work through this together. With accountability there’s a MUCH better chance you will make lasting changes.
STEP 1: Name your non-negotiables.
Make a list of 10 things you want to do for yourself. Think of the ways you could take better care of your mind, body and spirit. You may already be doing these things and want to keep them as priorities or they may be things you want to add to your life. MAKE yourself write down at least 10 different actionable items that you would (ideally) like to incorporate into your regular routine.
Take your list of 10 items, and choose 2 that feel the most important. Trust your instincts. You know what’s most important for you in this moment.
STEP 2: DON'T negotiate them.
I told you...simple. But not necessarily easy.
If step #2 stresses you out, then you may be holding on to a time when you didn’t follow through with a commitment or a goal.
If that rings true to you then before you read any further, brush those past experiences (and the shame that comes with them) off your shoulders. Literally put your hand on your shoulder, and brush them off.
Instead of taking on shame and telling yourself “I just can’t follow through with anything” let it go!
The next time you set your mind to something and you don’t end up following through the way you invisioned, just reflect. Sit down with yourself and say “hmm... I wonder what happened…” Learn from it and ditch the guilt.
Back to step 2. Don’t negotiate your non-negotiables. For extra support here, you can:
Get an accountability buddy and do it together
Take small, manageable steps - maybe you’d like to workout 5 times a day...start with 2 or 3.
Think of something you always stick to even when you don't always feel like it (i.e. work meetings or doctors appointments). What makes you do that? How can you apply those same strategies and ideas to your non-negotiables?
STEP 3: Identify what drains you
Make two columns on a sheet of paper and label one side “life-giving” and the other “life-sucking”. Now list as many things as you can think of in each column. The goal here is to reflect. One thing that keeps away resiliency is simply not taking the time to NOTICE what energizes us and what depletes our reserves. A quick word to the wise...this activity is ONLY effective if you actually take the time to DO IT.
Don’t feel guilty when you write down your life-suckers. There are few things I love more in this life than my kids, but to be honest, taking care of them (especially between the hours of 3:00 - 5:00 pm) can be quite life-sucking. Here are a few things that others have listed on their lists:
Cooking meals
Taking care of kids
Work deadlines
That paper that needs to be written
Doing dishes
Cleaning Bathrooms
Lockdowns during quarantine and pandemics (No leaving the house. Period. Thanks 2020)
Not getting enough sleep
Make sure and spend plenty of time on your “life-givers” as well. If you’re finding it difficult to fill up this column, then number your paper to 10 and MAKE yourself write 10 more things that bring you life. Give yourself permission to write them down and dream about them. Here are some examples if you’re stuck:
Reading a good book
Having FUN (defined by each individual differently)
A day alone at a spa
Taking a walk with a friend
Taking a walk by myself
Happy hour with friends
Baking cookies with kids (and not caring about the mess we make)
Watching a good TV show
STEP 4: Examine your lists and make changes.
From your list of life-sucking items, pick one thing that you would like to improve. Now make yourself think of a way to change it so that it’s more life-giving. If you can’t think of any way it can be changed, do some brainstorming with a friend. So much of the time, a little perspective from a friend is all you need to have a new thought. Each week, try and tackle another item on your list. You may find that there are some things that you don’t have to do at all! Be bold, and ask for help.
When I first took time to make these lists I realized there were so many things that were life-sucking to me, that I didnt actually need to be doing. I was taking on tasks that had not been specifically given to me. If that sounds familiar, then check out this podcast.
Now take your list of life-giving activities and put it somewhere you will see it regularly. On your mirror or the fridge. When you’re feeling down, pick an activity and make time for it. You may find that as you focus on them, you will discover more and more things that are life-giving. Add them to your list.
Reclaiming your resiliency is the first step to living a life where you have energy to pursue your ambitious goals you set out for yourself when you moved abroad. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish...it is actually the greatest service you can do for your loved ones and colleagues as well. When you show up as your best self, everyone wins.
