Navigating the In-Between
I’m writing from my quiet apartment in the state of Colorado in the U.S., fully furnished with everything we need and stocked with groceries. There are even leftovers from a home-cooked meal I managed to throw together last night. When my kids come home from preschool they put their shoes and coats away on their own and start to play. Ever since we started our repatriation journey 3.5 months ago, I’ve pondered what it actually means to be “settled” but dare I say, we might be getting close.
What I do know is that I feel grounded enough to look back and share a few of the most effective strategies I used to get through the in-between space: that treacherous territory of no longer being what I was but not yet knowing what I will become. It hasn’t always been pretty, but my saving grace has been my favorite road map to navigate any major life event: The 4 Squares of Change by Martha Beck.
Beck says that while so much is unknown about change, the pattern that it initiates in our life is fairly predictable. Knowing what to expect in Square 1, the first stage of the cycle, made all the difference for me in surviving moving back to the United States after 15 years abroad.
Death and Rebirth is the ominous title of Square 1. Sounds great, right? Really makes you want to just dive right in. To be honest, it’s about as much fun as it sounds. For me, being aware of Square 1 over the past several months helped me to know that I wasn’t broken. I was just in the midst of a change, and that most importantly, it wouldn’t last forever.
Before I go on, a warning: trying to avoid the discomfort of square 1 will not work. With every change, no matter how big or small, there is loss. Unprocessed grief has a way of showing up later on as a physical ailment, increased levels of impatience, or just general displeasure and (in my case) grumpiness. As bad as you fear Square 1 might be, resisting it will likely be worse.
Here are some common thoughts that come up in Square 1:
“I’m just not myself”
“I feel stagnate...like all I can do is be still”
“All I want to do is curl up in a blanket. Anything else feels like more than I can handle”
“I know I should plan for the future and figure it out, but I have no idea what I want to do”
If any of these thoughts resonate and you’ve recently experienced a change that is rocking your world, welcome to Square 1. Here’s the good news: this is the beginning of something new. By allowing square 1 to do it’s thing you make space for the beauty of transformation that is available as a result of any and every change.
Here are a few of the strategies that work for me in Square 1, but only when I actually apply them :)
Take Care of Your Physical Body
The mantra for Square 1 is “I don’t know what’s going on and that’s ok”. For many people, it’s pretty disorienting to feel like you have no idea what to do. So I’ll make it easy for you. Take care of your body. Breathe.
If you just rolled your eyes, I get it. This is not rocket science, but the most effective strategies are often the simplest.
Here are a few ways I practiced this in very small manageable chunks during this most recent transition:
Putting a 3-5 minute buffer in my day after putting the kids to bed by taking a short walk outside
Breathing deeply while watching my kids play or driving from place to place. There was no way to use my favorite excuse “there’s no time for that” with breathing, because it can be done absolutely anywhere.
Looking up at the blue sky and whispering to myself “Right now, you’re ok”
Square 1 will not last forever. Repeat that as many times as necessary to let it sink in. So remind your busy brain that it can dream about the future later. For now, it’s the body’s turn.
This is probably not the time to make huge adjustments or pursue your wildest exercise goals. Just make sure you’re covering your bases. Do what makes you feel good. Take a walk or take 3 slow, intentional deep breaths. Then notice how your body feels.
Think SHORT TERM
Your brain may try and convince you to get a grip on the future ASAP when a big change happens. The problem is, Dreaming and Scheming are Square 2’s thing. If you’re forcing it in Square 1 before allowing the un-doing to happen, it will never feel natural. You may be able to do it, but it won’t naturally flow from you. It’s like a caterpillar trying to fly as a butterfly before it goes through the transformation process. It can only happen once the dissolving is complete.
Instead of trying to make a 5-year plan, make shorter-term goals. Plan one day at a time. Does it feel too overwhelming to think of a whole day? What about the next 20 minutes? Choose whatever time period feels manageable and as “What do I need right now?”
Grieve “Clean Pain” and Notice Thoughts Causing “Dirty Pain”
Square 1 can be a painful place at times. Knowing what to do with pain is one of the most helpful ways to process transitions well.
Psychologist and pioneer of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Steven Hayes, distinguishes between “Clean” and “Dirty” pain. Clean pain is suffering that comes directly from circumstances, whereas dirty pain is suffering that comes from what we THINK about our circumstances.
If my 5-year-old daughter falls off her bike and hurts herself, she cries because she’s experiencing clean pain. If the following weekend, she’s in her room crying at the thought of riding her bike, because she’s afraid of what might happen if she falls again, the story she’s telling herself (i.e. “I’m going to fall again, and it will be worse the next time and what if no one is there to help me…”) is causing her dirty pain.
Recognizing the difference between clean and dirty pain is a skill that takes practice to develop, but if you can learn to distinguish the two, it can be the best way to navigate your way to square 2 and beyond.
When you locate clean pain, find space to grieve. When you locate dirty pain, instead of letting the fear or anxiety take you down a spiral of doom, notice the thought causing you the pain. Write down any thoughts you observe, and gently examine them by asking yourself if they’re true. Share them with a friend to get another perspective. You might be amazed how others are not plagued by the same fears and thoughts which feel so true to you.
Now repeat with me, “I don’t know what’s going on, and that’s ok.” If you have a hard time believing that last part, try some of these strategies. And don’t hesitate to reach out for support. A trusted friend offering a safe space, a support group, a coach or a therapist are all wonderful resources to lean on at any time in life, and especially in Square 1.
At some point, you’ll feel a spark of hope return. Not forced optimism, but actual hope that comes from deep inside you. You’ll WANT to think about the future. You’ll feel compelled to dream. And those are a few of the first signs that Square 2 is on the horizon.
